Adventures in Nothingness

During a recent trip to the doctor it came out that I suffered on and off from insomnia and was constantly tired. It’s not something I usually bring up with doctors anymore because a) I’ve got used to it and b) they usually just reach for the prescription pad. So I hadn’t brought it up this time either.

But when it came up I was most surprised by the doctor’s reaction. Instead of instantly reaching for her prescription pad she started asking me questions. Actually conversing with me about the problem and then she started explaining to me about melatonin production and the circadian rhythm and how we needed to look at getting mine back on track.

It was quite an interesting concept in these modern times because most of us aren’t really in to these sorts of concepts. So, while part of me thought it was rather cool that my doctor was taking a holistic approach rather than just reaching straight for the prescription pad, a part of me was trying very hard not to burst out laughing.

The main things I now have to focus on to try and get my rhythm back are essentially threefold:

1. Evening exercise: this one kind of goes against a lot of what I know about insomnia. Most of the advice I’ve read warns against exercising too close to bedtime due to the resulting increased levels of adrenaline and/or endorphins or whatever in the body. My doctor’s idea seems to be in tiring myself out and helping to stretch out the leg muscles which twitch and cause me problems once I settle in for the night. I guess timing will be critical.
2. Earlier bedtime routine: I always knew that I needed to try and get myself in to a better routine when it came to my bed time and it definitely aligns with all the advice I’ve read for insomnia and sleeplessness.
3. Cognitive calming: this is the trickiest part, particularly in this age of technology. At its most basic it is the winding down before bedtime and relaxing of the brain – nothing that stimulates the mind. So, I’m not allowed to watch TV or use my computer, iPad or mobile phone in the couple of hours before bedtime because of the effect they can have on my brain’s ability to cognitively relax. Read up on blue lights and melatonin production.

So how am I going so far? Well, the exercise is not working out very well for me at all, no pun intended. I have only exercised once in the past week, not counting the night I did calf stretches, so I really need to work harder on that. The new, earlier bedtime routine, thankfully, has not caused me too much trouble. There has actually been only one night in the past week where I have not made it to bed on time. Next weekend may prove to be a challenge, though, when daylight savings ends and I have to start going to bed even earlier.

The cognitive calming is definitely proving to be a challenge. Seriously, do you know how hard it is to not watch TV or use a mobile phone or play on a computer or iPad of an evening? I’d never really thought about it before myself, but now that I can’t do any of the above, it’s kind of like being grounded and I’ve done nothing wrong. I have failed at it more than a couple of nights in a row and ended up watching TV or playing games on my iPad or sneakily tweeting the night away. Unfortunately, the truth is I have actually noticed a difference between the technology-free nights and the nights I broke my grounding so-to-speak. The nights I used the technology I found it much harder to switch off when I went to bed and I lay awake thinking about things for much longer than the nights I was technology free.

But the fact remains, what do you do when your usual routine is taken away from you? My first thought, as a bookworm, was ‘can I read instead?’ Because, honestly, that would be awesome and I have that many books on my To Be Read list it’s getting shameful. But my doctor’s advice was that reading would be a suitable alternative as long as the books weren’t too stimulating; i.e. it has to be a book I can easily put down – not a ‘page-turner’. That pretty much throws most of my reading list out the window! If a book doesn’t enthral me so much that I can’t put it down, I’m not sure I want to read it.

I am try to be a crafty person, so I have pulled out my crocheting and cross-stitching projects and figured I might finally make a dent in those. So far, I’ve finished one crochet square, which only had three rows left to go on it anyway…

I’ve also pulled out a couple of my notebooks and taken up writing in my journal again. It was a little disheartening to realise the last time I wrote in my journal was two years ago. But perhaps, if I can’t use my computer before bedtime, I can start writing down ideas in my notebooks or do some free writing activities or something.

I’ve even contemplated doing housework of an evening. That would double as exercise after all, and then I wouldn’t feel quite so bad on the weekends when I spend an afternoon catching up on TV instead of doing the laundry or cleaning the kitchen…

The doctor thinks it will take about three months to notice if it’s made any sort of difference so, in the meantime, I guess I’ll be having all sorts of adventures in nothingness!

Just call me Muriel

Hi everyone. Long time no see. Or read. Write? Something.

So the last time we met I was preparing to go away on holidays. I hope you enjoyed the posts I wrote over on my travel blog, if you made it over that way. At some point I plan on adding some reviews and additional posts about some of my other experiences while I was away so stay tuned. I just have to get around to writing them.

I also wrote in one of my last posts about the realisation that I had lost my passion for creative writing. I wanted needed to take a proper mental break from it and stop pressuring myself to write.

I’m happy to report that I think it has worked because I am starting to think about my writing again on my own. Without forcing it. Every now and then one of my old stories will pop into my head with a question or suggestion for me. I haven’t acted on any of them, I’ve just left them to simmer, to fade in and out.

But then I think about my blogs and the unwritten or partially written travel posts. I get sparks of ideas, but when I sit down at the computer to write something I find myself looking at imdb or twitter or playing games instead. Tonight, when I sat down to write, I actually spent half an hour or so changing the header first. No, really. (Seriously, though, do you like it? I took the picture myself.)

You’re terrible, Muriel.

Yes, yes I am. Just call me Muriel.

If I am perfectly honest, I think part of the reason I procrastinate is because I have lost some of my confidence in my creative writing abilities. I am afraid of failure. It’s much easier to ponder what might have been and to play the ‘what if’ game than it is to actually take a chance and run the risk of getting told you’re rubbish.

So, I’m starting small. I’m taking baby steps. I’m resurrecting the blog, but I make no promises about frequency of posting because I want it to be a natural process. I think I will also resurrect the 100 blog challenge as a motivator. I am also thinking of having a go at writing some short stories, whether just for myself or to publish on a blog or to save up for competitions or even to work towards self-publishing. I don’t know – I haven’t actually thought that far ahead. I just want to start writing again, but I need want to start small.

How about you? Are you guilty of procrastination? What do you procrastinate from doing and why?

Travellin’ Becs

It’s been a little while, hasn’t it dear readers. I can actually say I’ve been busy and mean it this time. My work has been crazy busy and then I got a new job and my old job got even busier as I had to juggle all the finalising and handover stuff on top of all my usual stuff which, as aforementioned, was crazy busy. I started my new job a little over a week ago and so far so good but it is also busy. I should add that busy is not necessarily a bad thing – I much prefer to be kept busy at work than to sit idle all day.

And then there’s my upcoming holiday for which planning has fallen a bit by the wayside. If you know me personally, or have read my travel blog, you’ll know I used to be a travel agent and so I absolutely loathe being disorganised for a trip. Panic mode is starting to set in. Something which hasn’t been helped by my recent clumsiness.

Last weekend, for example, I decided it would be a smashing idea to slam my finger in the car door. (Get it? ‘Smashing’… Get it? …Ah, forget it.) It hurt like a you-know-what. It bled like an I-don’t-know-what. I actually made one of those ‘can you come over, like now?’ calls to my parents and then sat down on the kitchen floor and sobbed into my lap until they arrived (my parents rock). But the moral of the story, conversation-starter though it may be in a new workplace, is that a sore and bandaged finger that hurts every time you nudge it does nothing to help when you’re trying to clean your house or pack bags prior to going away on holiday.

It helps even less when, thanks to your new medically restricted diet, you’ve lost about 10 kilos and you need to try on half your wardrobe to work out what, if anything, still fits you. Trust me, trying to get a throbbing index finger in and out of sleeves of any length is a painful and expletive-inducing experience not to be undertaken by the faint-hearted.

But what it does mean is that I have pulled out the old travel blog and given it a new coat of paint and will be posting to it over the next few weeks as internet access allows. So, please feel free to wander on over to Travellin’ Becs and check it out.

I can dream can’t I?

So back in April, you may remember I wrote a letter to the creative people of Supernatural in response to their ongoing cruelty to loyal viewers by taunting us with references to Bobby Singer’s ghost. If you need a refresher, here is a link to that post.

Interestingly enough, that letter has proven to be one of my most popular posts. I’ll admit that this gives me some pleasure as I quite enjoyed writing it. I also much prefer to see its title come up in my stats than my other most popular post, ‘Pessimistic’. Although admittedly, based on the search stats, I have a burning suspicion that it may in fact be the picture of Ruby that draws in the crowds than the subject matter itself, but whatevs.

Anyway, if you’re a fan of the show you’ll know that our beloved Bobby Singer finally passed on at the end of the last season (sob).

But it was while watching the second episode of the current season of Supernatural that I reacted with some glee when I heard a security guard announce that the thief was one ‘Clem Smedley’. I giggled, I rewound, I listened again to my surname. I giggled some more.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not having delusions of grandeur. I do not for one minute think that, after reading my blog ‘letter’ the Supernatural creative people were so tickled pink that they decided to name a character in the show after me as an homage. I am a little more grounded in reality than that…

But, it is nice to dream, isn’t it?

Chasing rainbows

Why have I always been a failure?
What can the reason be?
I wonder if the world’s to blame?
I wonder if it could be me?
- I’m Always Chasing Rainbows

It’s happened. What I was afraid would happen eventually but kept trying to convince myself wouldn’t. I’ve lost my passion for my creative writing.

I don’t know how or when it happened but I can say that I haven’t written any actual words for several months. I haven’t had any new story ideas although I have made a few feeble attempts at outlining or brainstorming existing story ideas but nothing has taken shape.

I don’t quite know how to get it back, or even if that’s possible. I already follow the Twitter accounts and blogs of both experienced and aspiring writers whom I find inspiring and informative; people like Roz Morris, KM Weiland and Amy Weaver. I’ve done creative writing courses through the wonderfully supportive Sydney Writers’ Centre and I continue to read everything I can find on writing.

But despite all this, when it comes to my own writing, whenever I try to sit down and flesh out my outlines or write down a scene all I end up with is a blank page. I’ve tried forcing it and I’ve tried taking a break and coming back after awhile but still nothing comes. And now I’ve given up trying.

I still get that feeling when I watch a good movie or episode of a TV show of how cool it would be to write something that good and see it come to life. Or when I read a book and it’s bad I think I could write something better or if it’s really good, I get that tinge of jealousy. I still think it would be nice to be able to get some of my ideas on paper but I just don’t think that’s ever going to happen anymore.

Who knows, perhaps this is a phase I’m going through. Like the fact that I’ve only really been interested in scary movies for the last few months. I really hope so but I’m afraid it may have been too long.

So what do you do when you lose your passion for something? Do you just call it a day? Or do you have a sure-fire way of reigniting it?

Image from freeimageworks.com

This is Canberra

Parliament House, Canberra
(image from http://www.peo.gov.au)

Canberra, in case you weren’t aware (trust me, some people aren’t), is the capital city of Australia and the home of the Federal Parliament. No, this isn’t a Social Studies lesson and, yes, I am getting to my point. The media, and some other people, have a habit of referring to Canberra when talking about the Federal Government or our politicians. In particular, when talking about those policies or issues they’re not happy about. Instead of saying ‘the Federal Government has implemented this or that’ or ‘the federal members need to think about this or that’, they say ‘Canberra has implemented this or that’ and ‘Canberra needs to think about this or that.’ It’s starting to get on my nerves.

Canberra has shopping centres, staffed by sales assistants and check out guys and gals. It has cafes and coffee shops and restaurants and take-aways with baristas and waiters and waitresses and schoolkids earning their spending money. It has schools and universities and CITs, staffed by admin and teachers and professors and attended by students of all ages and nationalities and walks of life. It has its own newspapers and nightly news bulletins and journalists. There are hairdressers, beauticians, and personal trainers. Heck, we even have medical services with doctors, nurses, specialists and pathologists. I could go on.

They are not the Federal Government or opposition. They do not make the decisions but they have opinions about the decisions and are as affected by them as anyone else across the country. But I would argue that they too are Canberra.

Canberra is Floriade in the Spring.

Floriade 2010
(own photo)

It’s shopping at the Canberra Centre or Woden or Tuggers or Belco or even Queanbeyan across the border.

It’s Skate in the City.

It’s the ridiculously confusing and annoying GDE.

It’s the AIS, the Brumbies, the Canberra Capitals, the Raiders.

It’s cycling.

It’s the Snowy Hydro Southcare Helicopter.

It’s the ACT Rural Fire Service.

It’s Hot Air Balloons along the skyline in the morning.

Hot Air Balloons over Canberra
(image from http://www.world-guides.com)

It’s Tidbinbilla and Mount Stromlo.

It’s Black Mountain and Telstra Tower peaking out from a cloud of thick fog.

It’s weekends away to the snow or the coast.

It’s Mix106.3 not being able to make up its mind who should host the breakfast show.

It’s the War Memorial and the National Library and the old and new Parliament Houses.

Canberra is a lot of things. It is its people, its places, its way of life and it is the home of the Federal Parliament House. But that is not its whole. So, please, next time you refer to the Federal Government or Federal Parliament and its decisions, refer to them and not Canberra.

Canberra is a place not a bunch of politicians making decisions you’re not happy about.

A Blessing in Disguise

The pains started after Christmas. They would wake me in the middle of the night. The kind of agonising abdominal pains you get with gastro, only I didn’t have food poisoning or any kind of stomach bug. After visits to the doctor, pathology and a gastro specialist the results were in. I have gallstones. More specifically, what I had been experiencing were severe gallstone attacks.

Thankfully, by the time my appointment with the specialist came around (thanks to good old waiting lists) I was no longer experiencing attacks and the report from pathology indicated the stones are fairly small. So, after some additional tests, I was finally assured that I don’t need surgery at this stage.

But I do need to rethink my diet.

The directive I got was a tad confusing. Avoid fatty meals, alcohol, preservatives, packaged foods, cakes and pastries, heavy foods. Um, I’m sorry but what is there left to eat?

There’s something I should probably explain about myself right about now, and that’s that I’m no Masterchef. Nor am a healthy eater. I’m the kind of person whose freezer has more oven bake stuff in it than “real” food like meat or vegetables. Whose fridge crisper has apples in it that have been there so long I don’t actually remember buying them. I keep cans of soup in the cupboard and just love those packets of pasta and sauce. I used to jokingly ask if beetroot or carrot dip counted as a serve of vegetables. That’s not to say I can’t cook – I make a mean lasagne from scratch and I love doing stew in my slow cooker – I just choose not to. I’m lazy. And here I was being told that I should avoid pretty much every staple in my diet.

Alcohol was easy. I was never a big drinker anyway and I’m allergic to wine, but after I was diagnosed with chronic migraines and put on preventive medication I had to stop drinking altogether because I found it interacted with the alcohol and not in a good way.

The rest of it took a little bit more effort. With some encouragement, advice and suggestions from mum, two of my colleagues, and the lovely Food Mentalist (check out her blog here) I started to work out what sort of foods would meet the right criteria. Namely fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, low fat foods, etc. But most importantly, they needed to be prepared from scratch by me – no cheating. Because at the end of the day, my diet had to change if I was serious about avoiding surgery.

It’s actually been a lot of fun. I’ve been cooking stir fries during the week, and because I’ve always been a pre-packaged kind of gal, the sauces have always come with the packets, but now I’m learning how to make the sauces myself. I actually have bottles of soy sauce, oyster sauce, fish sauce, hoisin sauce, etc, in my cupboard now. I’ve bought recipe books and googled to work out how to combine them and haven’t found a combination I didn’t like yet. I’ve even started adding noodles in. How exciting!

On the weekends, I’ve had the slow cooker out. The other week I made my own vegetable soup, which I have done before but I used different vegetables this time. The week before last it was chicken pesto pasta with sundried tomato pesto. That was very yum!

I’ve decided to try at least one new recipe each fortnight. A whole recipe, not just a variation on a theme like the stir fries. And with my new recipe books I don’t think I’ll run out of ideas anytime soon. It’s all about trying to prove to myself that with this new low-fat, avoiding XYZ diet, I’m not limited to just stir fries and meat and veg. It’s also about starting to prepare myself for having a life again, so that I can go out to restaurants or food courts and be able to pick something that I’m comfortable I can eat without having a reaction to.

I do still get the occasional reaction. Sometimes it’s hard to know if it’s actually gallstone-related or something else like my asthma (I cough a lot with the cold weather), or just genuine aches and pains. Apparently, gallstone attacks can often be misdiagnosed, so surely it would follow that once gallstones are identified people can be quick to identify pains as gallstone attacks when perhaps they are not?

And my new dieting regime has not been without its mishaps either. Just last week, this numpty burnt her finger in hot oil. Oh yes, thought it would be a bloody brilliant idea to swirl the hot oil round the wok with some paper towel, didn’t I? Forget the fact paper towel absorbs oil – minor detail!

But, at the end of the day, what started as pains in the middle of the night at Christmastime turned into a diagnosis of gallstones and the possibility of surgery. But whether I have to have surgery or not, the alternative to those excruciating pains is altering my diet. Plain and simple. Eat healthy. Eat fresh. Know what I’m putting into my body, as best as possible. I can do that – why wouldn’t I? I remember the pain. Why wouldn’t I do that?

Quite simply, if it weren’t for my gallstones, I don’t think I would have changed my diet. Not now, probably not any time soon. No matter what happens, they were a blessing in disguise because they have changed that part of my life for the better.

image from isparkit.wordpress.com

Facing my fears… or am I?

Angie Hart

Followers of this blog will know that I am a fan of the lovely Angie Hart. You may remember Angie as the lead singer of the band Frente from the early 1990s – they of ‘Accidentally Kelly Street’ and ‘Ordinary Angels’. You might also recognise Angie as a Joss Whedon alum. She sang on stage in the Bronze on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and appeared in an episode of Firefly where she sang a beautiful rendition of ‘Amazing Grace’. But if you are not familiar with Angie’s most recent work as a solo artist I urge you to search out her albums, Grounded Bird and Eat My Shadow. The uber-talented Angie co-wrote all of the songs on both albums (although my version of Eat My Shadow did also come with a bonus disc of cover songs).

One of my favourite songs on the Eat My Shadow album is ‘I’m Afraid of Fridays’. It became almost like my mantra during a difficult time last year. I had my ipod on shuffle one night driving home after a particularly horrid day at work when the song came on and before I knew it I was belting out the lines from the chorus, “I’m not about to let them win and I’m not afraid of you”, tears streaming down my face. And it felt good. I felt better. The next morning ‘I’m Afraid of Fridays’ went on repeat for most of the way to work so I could sing my mantra out loud and proud – my version of Dutch courage, given that I don’t drink.

I recently mentioned on Twitter that the song is my ringtone. I got a retweet from Angie and so I replied to her that it feels like the first line “I’m not afraid of phone calls” seems to mock me every time I decide to screen a call. She responded to tell me that she listed all the things in the song because she’s actually afraid of them and wished she wasn’t. I like that and it makes me love the song even more.

It’s a song that feels so defiantly fearless yet it’s actually a list of fears.

And then I thought about the things I’m afraid of. The big things and the little things. The rational and the irrational. Some of them I think are probably normal for all of us but we just don’t name them for fear of making them come true (I guess that’s fear in itself). There are things I’m afraid of which I’ll admit to readily but sometimes I wish I wasn’t. But there are also things I’m afraid of which I don’t always own up to because, like Angie, I guess I just wish I wasn’t afraid of them. So I decided to make my own list, it’s not in a neat little song or poem or anything. It’s just a list of things I’m afraid of and wish I wasn’t.

• Spiders
• Being old and alone
• Being put under general anaesthetic
• Rejection
• Visits to the Dentist
• Getting sick
• Lack of accomplishment
• Bad news
• Not being liked
• Finding out I’m a horrible writer and my stories are terrible
• Dying without love in my life
• Heights
• Talking to men I like

There’s no end to the fear, but it’s only a blog. Thanks Angie.

What about you? What are you afraid of that you wish you weren’t? Anything you’re willing to share?

The road to authordom – a guest post by Julie Anne Lindsey

Well, dear readers, have I got a treat for you today. And a world first for this blog – a guest post! I know, right! How cool am I!? Wait, don’t answer that.

My guest blogger and I found each other on Twitter. She is a lot of fun to follow. Not a day goes by, when she’s on there, that she does not have me literally laughing out loud at her self-confessed crazy. And to top it all off, she is a published writer – forget how cool am I, how cool is she?

She is currently on a blog tour to promote the recently released Death by Chocolate, the first in her new Killer Confection series, and I get to be part of her tour. I am really looking forward to reading Death by Chocolate but in the meantime, allow me to introduce you to its vivacious author, Julie Anne Lindsey.

Take it away, Julie!

Thank you so much Rebecca for allowing me to be a part of your blog today. I’m having a great time on this blog tour, meeting some wonderful bloggers, readers, writers and friends. I thought I’d talk about how my debut novel came to be. I love reading your blog and seeing your journey as a writer, watching you learn things about the industry. I blog about the same things and it’s exciting to see the same things we stumble over and how some of our lessons are different too.

About three years ago, I set out to write a book. I had no idea how to go about it. True to my nature, I didn’t let that stop me. I started writing without regard to the industry or even a second thought that the industry existed. I focused on writing.

I wrote and wrote and wrote. I came up with a lot of crap. True. Then, I wrote this manuscript. Death by Chocolate. I found a new agent and a new publisher and the three of us set out on the endeavor to get my words in print. The process took more than a year.

A lot can happen in a year.

While this manuscript sat on the calendar at my publisher, waiting its turn, I went on writing. I established a web presence, networked, attended conferences, read voraciously and I wrote. In the time between signing the contract and seeing it release last month, I found my short stories in two anthologies. I also wrote and contracted a three book series of sweet romances – digital format – for a new line of books at another small press. Then I contracted a print length sweet romance for the same line to arrive in March 2013. I also signed a contemporary YA mystery for a different line with the same press. I revised another YA – which is now on submissions and I just finished my first cozy mystery manuscript. Whooo. *wipes brow*

So, while I was busy with that, I came to understand I’m addicted to YA novels. I read them almost exclusively and I now fancy myself a romance author. But, Death by Chocolate has arrived. *scratches head*

What’s a girl to do? Wear another hat, I guess. Maybe I can just be a writer. A writer who writes. Someone unbound by the fences of gender. LOL Sounds dramatic, yes? But that’s the way life is. You start down one path only to find yourself somewhere you never expected.

If you’re in the mood for an upbeat, over-the-top, story of a couple harmless-looking girlfriends hoping to get away with murder, try my novel Death by Chocolate! It’s to die for ; )

Death by Chocolate

Ruby Russell has reached her limit. When she discovers her hipster husband has a dirty little secret, she whips him up a Viagra-infused-chocolate mousse punishment, but in the morning, her husband’s a stiff. Armed with a lifetime of crime show reruns and Arsenic and Old Lace on DVD, Ruby and her best friend Charlotte try to lay low until after Ruby’s son’s wedding, but a nosy therapist, meddling minister and local news reporter are making it very difficult to get away with murder.

About Julie:

I am a mother of three, wife to a sane person and Ring Master at the Lindsey Circus. Most days you’ll find me online, amped up on caffeine & wielding a book.

You can find my blogging about the writer life at Musings from the Slush Pile

Tweeting my crazy at @JulieALindsey

Reading to soothe my obsession on GoodReads

And other books by me on Amazon

Best Australian Blogs 2012

The Sydney Writer’s Centre are looking for Australia’s best blogs and what better way to do it than with a whopping great competition. And with $15,500 worth of Sydney Writer’s Centre courses as prizes of course I had to enter.

I’ve entered this blog, Reaching for the Skies, in the Personal and Lifestyle section. I’ve also nominated the post Cat (or A Pet is for Life: the story of Mog and Me) for a Special Award as Outstanding Advocacy Post.

Reaching for the Skies is still a fledgling blog with a pretty small readership and I by no means have delusions of grandeur by entering this competition. The competition received 1024 entries so my chances of winning are pretty small, I think, but you know the saying; you’ve got to be in it to win it! And who knows, I may pick up some tips or some new readers along the way.

But here’s how you can help, dear readers. I am also entered in the People’s Choice Award, which means I need people to vote for me. So if you like what you read, please click on the Vote for Me badge below* and click through to ‘Reaching for the Skies’ and give me the tick. Even though it’s the Best Australian Blogs awards you don’t have to be Australian to vote, so all my American, English, Indian, Antarctican, Martian (and so on) readers can vote for me too.

Good luck to all the wonderful writers out there who are entered in the Best Australian Blogs 2012 competition. Break a pencil!

*The Best Australian Blogs 2012 competition is now over – badge has been removed.